Monday, March 28, 2011

Easter is Coming!

Do you recognize anyone? I am the cute girl in the bonnet. Sister is looking special with

her bowl cut. Easter 1979 Gross. I know. You should see the other side. I will be cut in the same location for the third time on April 20th. I will have the bone fusion. PRAISE GOD the fibula will not have to be broken. Come to find out my fibulas are turned cause God made me that way. Not the date I wanted but God will work that out also. His timing is perfect. Isn't it funny how we think we have so much control over our plan?. We book vacations. We plan things. I love some planning but God has shown me over the last year that He will rewrite my plans so we are together. But don't tell sister about April 20th. She and I have done Easter. We got Easter in our marriages. We would do our spouses for Thanksgiving. But Easter was for Sisters. This Easter I won't be there and I will save a ton of money on Easter clothes. Sister will most sad because it will throw off her table decorations.
Easter 2010

I must say she is the only person who ever calls me and lets me cry without trying to stop it and she is one of the rare ones who knows when I am faking that I am "fine."

I love that at a time when I will be in so much pain, I will also be celebrating the fact that Jesus rose from the grave and went to sit on the right hand of God. It is finished. He has overcome and the battle has been won. My battle has been fought. He goes before me.

Thank you for your prayers! God is answering!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Friends, rollers and Jesus

I have some of the best friends in the whole world. I have Godly friends. Friends that give me Godly counsel even when it is not what I want to hear. Friends that pray for me. Friends that have had great pain over the past year and walk daily in the truth and love that only He can give. If you are reading this and you do not have Jesus get Him first. If you are reading this and you do not have Godly counsel around you, find it fast. Get a small group. I HEART my small group. It is vital to your maturation and life. Jaclyn has been on my blog before. She married my friend from childhood. She has a heart that is pure and precious. She is just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. She lost her daddy this past year yet her spiritual walk has never been stronger. I can't tell you how much I draw on her strength. She is my prayer warrior. Always sending text or emails or phone calls right when I need them. One of her spiritual gifts is giving. She would give you her heart if you needed it. I am never surprised when I have a box at my back door. I know it is her. She and I had several similar childhood experiences. We were raised by good ole southern mommas. They taught us to stand up straight, don't chew gum, use good manners and when the going gets tough...ROLL YOUR HAIR and dress up. Boy breaks up with you - ROLL YOUR HAIR. You had a fight with your girlfriend- ROLL YOUR HAIR. Going to church - ROLL YOUR HAIR. We laugh about it but we both still have that mindset. Every interview I have ever been on, I roll my hair. So when I got a package last week in the mail from her I was so happy that it was pink sponge rollers and a pack of pantyhose. I decided immediately that my daughter must fall victim to the tradition and learn when life gets hard - ROLL YOUR HAIR.

She loved it and was so beautiful the next day. I am so thankful though that no matter what I do to the outside of me or what face I put on that day God only cares about my heart. I am beautiful to Him no matter if I rolled my hair. I go to the doctor tomorrow to get the results of my CT scan. I am expecting to get my surgery date. My prayers this week have changed so much from worries and concerns to wanting God to make my heart desire what He wants to be done through this surgery. I know tomorrow I will probably cry. I know I will wear my waterproof mascara. I know my friends will pray. And I know I will probably ROLL MY HAIR.

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Rock

Please don't read if you are sick of my ankle. I don't blame you. I am sick of my ankle. When I was a little girl I had a picture my mother crosstiched that said "God is not finish with me yet." And God is not finished with my ankle or it's story. It is definitely a spiritual marker in my life. I will look back on this time and know that He was all over it and ALL IN.

Today was my follow up with Ankle Guy.

1. Stitches are not ready to come out.

2. Xray today showed the fibia has turned since surgery this past Friday.

3. Tibia and fibia are still apart requiring a bone fusion.

4. Bone fusion will require a bone from my knee.

5. A catscan will have to happen this week to see about the fibia's movement.

6. If the fibia has turned it will have to be broken AGAIN.

7. Bone fusion - 3 month recovery.

If you want specifics to lift up in prayer:

1. Pray that the fibia will not have to be broken again.

2. Pray that the catscan gives a clear indication of the need for the bone fusion.

My scripture reading this morning was Deuteronomy 32:31 For their rock is not like our Rock...

In a moment of tears and frustration tonight I told my husband I wanted my life back. It's not my life. It is His. I would love to take the pain and anger and blame someone but this is my Plan A. You see my accident was not accident. It was my plan. He is my rock. My pain is for His purpose.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Peanut and Butter

There was a family that lived in a farm house.
And they did not know so did a mouse.
Until late one night the mouse ran around and played in their den.
They screamed and yelled for big guns and men.
Instead the next day mommy cried and begged for cats.
That will fix the problem and get rid of the rats!
Son would sneeze and scratch if we let the new friends inside.
So we gave them their instructions of where they could go, under the house and outside.
We would call the sisters Peanut and Butter and pray for their hunting skills.
Husband is so happy our pet list is longer along with our vet bills.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Secrets and Horses

I can not keep secrets. I want to give the kids their presents right when I buy them. I don't like surprises. I am awful at Christmas. It is awful for me. Thankfully I have a husband who does not buy gifts and a mother that lets me pick out my gifts. Husband, he can do secrets and apparently so can my mother and sister. Yesterday I spent a long time praying and talking over having the impeding surgery earlier than this summer. Just wondering what that would work a week, what would it mean for softball coaching, kids, me, and the list goes on.
I bring up the idea to husband and he looks at the ground and says, "yea the doctor said a month." HUH? The ankle guy told husband and mother surgery would probably need to happen in a month. Mother, husband and sister decided they would let HIM tell me that Monday at my appointment.
So for days I have worried about my summer. Seems I need to be thinking about April instead.

Can any one of you by worrying add one single hour to your life? Matthew 6:27

So today I am going outside. I am going to soak up some SUN. I will brush a horse or two. Enjoy the life I have been given and face the news Monday at 3:00.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

My heart

I use to say follow your heart.
My heart is big.
My heart is tender.
My heart trust easily.
My heart is selfish.
My heart is deceptive. Jeremiah 17:9
The word heart is used in the NLT bible 350 plus times.
God wants me to guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23
God wants me to love and write that love on my heart. Proverbs 3:3
Despite the future being laid before me of cast and laying around. My heart is set to love. My heart is longing to go despite being told I have to sit still. My heart will not be satisfied here on my couch. I long to tell others of my heart problems. I look at mission trip pictures and I long to go. My heart is selfish for the world to know. I want to hold these babies on my wall. Send me. Let me.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Sorrow and Hope

You keep track of all my sorrows;
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56:8

Let me first say I am thankful for a God who collects my tears. At times when words can not console and nothing seems to make the pain stop, knowing I have a God who keeps track of all my sorrows provides a peace that surpasses all understaning.

I went in today because my ankle needed to be re-wrapped to 90 degrees. I have been able to put weight on the ankle and walk around yesterday and today. I was on a high from that accomplishment. I met with the P.A. who assisted in my surgery only to be given the "reality" of my situation.
The facts:
1. Bone fusion will have to happen in the immediate future due to arthritis and how the bones are growing farther apart.
2. I will permantly walk with a limp
3. I will permatly loose left to right mobility of the ankle
4. Next surgery will have a mandatory 3-4 day hospital stay
5. 8 weeks of a hard cast
6. 4-6 weeks in a boot
7. Physical therapy

If I could have run out of that office I would have...but I can't run. I can't walk fast. I have been chosen to carry this battle. I have been chosen. This summer husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage. We have a trip planned with kids in June. In July we had hoped to celebrate with a trip and recently decided we would spend that trip on a Mission trip. We had made plans to get our passports and start asking God where He wanted to send us. God chose to overwrite our plans for His plans. I know many people that read these words may not be saved. I know many people that read these words may question why a God who loves me choose pain for me.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.

I believe Romans 8:28. I believe something that is hard and painful can be turned into good for His glory. I believe through my tears and pain, God will use my suffering. My reward as a Christ follower is eternity. So today, I feel like I can't breath. Fear of the pain and trail that lay before me almost take me over but I still have hope is in the Lord.

Revelations 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Coming Up For Air

Can you tell I started a full time job?

Life has been coming at us at 100 mph. We have seen God move in some pretty remarkable ways this year. We have faced pain and heartache. We have struggled. We have had blessings beyond measure. We have loved and we have laughed.

May 22, 2010 I fall breaking my ankle so bad it is hanging off my leg. I remember looking up at the clouds and saying, "Really?" Really. It has been a long and painful 10 months. I have come to live through chronic pain. At times I thought I was losing my mind or I was crazy. In December of this past year, a CAT scan confirmed I had chipped bone in the ankle joint. The screws were so tight in the tibia that it was splintering the bone. I prayed God would open the door for a new doctor to take on my case. After several "No's" and closed doors, I got a phone call from a doctor (We will call him Ankle Guy) stating he would take on my case.

Ankle Guy could not believe I walked around on a daily basis without tears. Not only did he see the chipped bone but there was severe cartlidge damage, scar tissue, and the tibia and fibia were not put back together. The tibia and the fibia are the two bones that are connected at the base of your leg. My two bones are separate. Ankle Guy sated I needed immediate hard ware removal and scope to clean up the ankle. Ankle guy felt I would need a bone fusion down the road in a few years to fix the tibia and fibia but he would know more after he operated.

I had surgery this past Friday. Ankle guy removed all the hardware which my crazy husband was allowed to keep. Ankle guy was able to remove the chipped bone and feels like I will feel some what better with this surgery. Ankle guy also discovered that arthritis has already set in the ankle. The tibia and fibia are farther aprat then they were in February. I will need a bone fusion this summer. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.

Bone fusion means hospital stay, hard cast for 4-6 weeks, boot, recovery....
I see a repeat of last summer.
Yesterday, I laid in bed and let the enemy tell me how bad it will be. I cried until I had no more tears. I had friends come and pray over me. I had friends call and pray with me. I listened to the enemy as he told me about no showers, no driving, no swimming with my kids, and pain...more pain. I wallowed in self doubt. I listened to lies.

Today, I pull myself out of my bed. I use a walker to make it to the kitchen. I get my own ice pack out of the refrigerator. I kiss my son good morning and he helps me fix breakfast. I put my foot on the ground a try a little weight. The pain comes. I think about the pain of my sin on Jesus. I walk another step.

I have a God who loves me. John 3:16
A risen Savior who has overcome the world. John 16:33
I feel like I am coming up for air. 2 Cor. 4:8-9