Goodbye dear friend,

The diagnosis was cancer of the spleen, liver and bone marrow. She was put to sleep at 6:00pm. I held her face and told her thank you for being the best dog. She licked my tears in one big swoop of her tongue and then looked at husband as if to tell him goodbye. Then the vet took her head from my hands and laid her down. In true Macee fashion, she let out one big snort and was gone.




She will be buried on my daddy's farm. Son asked that we find a special rock to place on top so "we can remember her." He lifted up his shirt tonight and pointed to his heart and told me that is where Macee is now.
Real tears....real love....

Broken and spilled out

Macee has been not herself lately. We have noticed some weight loss and she has fallen down our stairs. Last night we got in from Chattanooga and found her at the back door. In the same way a mommy knows her kids, I know my dogs. She looked at me right in the eyes and spoke to my heart...it is bad, I am done. Husband and I loved on her all night. We cried fearing about the next day. I wanted to go alone with my dog to the vet. Preliminary diagnosis is enlarged heart, enlarged spleen, fluid around all organs, a mass pressing all organs to one side, 5 indicators of leukemia in her blood results. We will be taken her to a specialist at 4:30 today to discuss a diagnosis and options.
We just sat the kids down and explained what was wrong with Macee. The kids are upset. Son said, he did not want me to take her to die. I am for once speechless.


What I do know is these paws have pawed me into more belly rubs. Husband taught these paws to shake and sit and stay and go get. Macee was our first dog together. I had Sandy before Macee. Macee came to us with a broken hip, broken tail, infested with a bacterial infection and a droopy eyelid. She has survived 6 surgeries. A total hip, spade, eyelid surgery, a tumor removal, another leg surgery, and tail amputation. She has given us so much more then the amount of money we have spent on her.
She was here when I brought my two babies home from the hospital. She loved them immediately. I used to find her in son's nursery laying beside his crib. I would try to get her to leave and she would pretend she couldn't hear me. My kids learned to walk by holding on to her. She has licked my tears on too many occasions and knows all my heartaches and worries. We have taken her on so many trips. She loves the beach and the river. If you have never had a lab... you will never truly know the temperament of this dog. I talked to sister on the way to the vet this morning and she said, "Wow how patient that dog has been." There was never anything we or kids could do to make her angry. She was only aggressive twice since I had her. Once a man jumped my privacy fence to bury the cable. He was carrying a shovel and Macee had him pinned in the corner. I had not told her someone was coming (I did not Know) and she sensed my fear. The other time was in Auburn as we were on a walk and a creepy man came from no where and tried to catch up with me and her. She let him know he wasn't getting close to me.

We are about to load up for a drive I don't think I am ready to make. But God is here. I couldn't sleep last night and I got up at 6:45 to run. I hit shuffle on my Ipod and the first song that started playing was Bring the Rain by MercyMe. And the tears started coming . . . they have really never stopped. I do not want her to suffer and I want this to be a peaceful experience for her. I am most concerned about son...he calls her friend. I call her mine....

SNEAKY

Daughter is a manipulator. We have known this trait for a while. She refuses to do flash cards with me. I taught son so much by her age but she is not into "learning mommy's way." So I have had to let go and pray she learns her letters and numbers another way. I will see her playing with letter magnets and hear her call out the letters. But if I try to quiz her she acts like she has no idea what letters are. Well tonight, son escaped to the Brakefield's. He told sister he needed a break from our house. I was cooking supper and husband was on the computer when daughter came to me with her "drawing thing" and there she had written her name! She had used an uppercase M and all other lowercase letters. (I did not even know she recognized lowercase letters!) Her e's were backwards but it was perfect to me. I made such a big deal over it and she said, "Mommy I know how to write. I do it all the time." I wonder what else she knows. . .

Freeze Frame Christmas

Well it has been a world wind of a week. Husband and I feel like we just lived out the movie Four Christmases. But we had a wonderful time and our favorite Christmas as a family yet... no diapers, no bottles, no naps, no worries....just fun. Here is our Christmas portfolio.Of all our "quality time" together...this is the best family photo. Just Sad.

Daughter showing MEME how to booty dance in Greenville.
I make the ROACH'S play games. They love it despite the comments they make. Here is husband, Aunt Kristi, Jonathan and Avery playing wrap the present.
It is on! Easy Bake. The power of a light bulb never tasted so bad.
Husband about to loose his holiday cheer over the singing snowman daughter has found.
Alex and Tyler delivering Christmas cookies to the fireman.
Daughter freezing at the fire station.Cousins and Paw Paw.
Saddest and proudest moment of the week. Son read Twas the Night Before Christmas to all of us on Christmas Eve. I always read it to the kids but this year he wanted to and he did!

Before the Candlelight service at church. I let the kids go in their Christmas PJ's. Meme and Papa got to come and spend the night. The kids loved it and husband and I did too.
Sweetest moment. Papa Roach reading the Christmas story from the bible and the kids coloring their manger scenes before bed time.
Christmas morning....the Wii is in. Son wanted it last year but Santa had no luck. It arrived and took over our family.
The Barbie Jeep. Daughter's first words, "it is not a pink car!" So now she calls it her "Pink car Jeep." In our defense, she changed her Santa order to a car....leave it to the girl to be unsatisfied. I think she will live.
Sister was dying for her to open this ... meet JENNY. They are like PEAS and CARROTS.
Cousins with Mother and Grandmother and Millie.
Jen, me and sister surviving Christmas lunch... PJ party came later.
Uncle Wesley (Brother-in-law's brother) turned 30 on Christmas Day. All the kids love crazy Uncle Wesley. Daughter adopted him as a dance partner.
Princess got some princess skates and she loves the protective gear it included. Safety First.

Son owns the Wii. Husband is so mad that son spanks him at all the games. Yoda is trying to get to all the chocolate on the coffee table. He is scared of Wii activity.
Sweetest picture. Daughter whispering in her daddy's ear during Twas the night before Christmas. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas. I pray the new year brings you blessings and prosperity. Thanks for sharing in the ROACH life this year.

To my Twinkies

I am going to the Roach's for Christmas in Gville in the am and therefore I am missing my Twinkies birthday party. I feel awful but I can not be in two places at the same time. I feel almost as bad as when St.Vincents would not let me into the NICU to see them when they were born. I couldn't stand it. They let grandparents in but not aunts and uncles. I remember telling sister, if Wesley talks some cute nurse into letting him back, I will be so mad. I tried to pull Social Worker strings but I never got back. Instead I was stuck in Medical Intensive Care with sister who could not see or breathe. She wasn't alot of fun and I was dying to see my nephews. She wanted to see them too and I brought her a Polaroid the Social Worker gave me and we taped them to her bed. But sister's eyesight was gone due to the overdose of Magnesium they had been ingesting her with to stop labor. I look back on the day Shep came home. He was soooo sweet. Everyone kept saying, wait till Wynn comes home. He is a pistol. I find it even more amusing Wynn wasn't a good feeder and had to stay in the NICU longer. I guess Wynn learned a thing or two about eating when he was there because now I would consider him a constant feeder. People keep telling me the twins won't miss me tomorrow but they will. They will even ask if I am coming and why not. It breaks my heart. I prayed them into this world. I even took them there woo-woo's(lovey) to the NICU when they were born and started that attachment. So to my favorite Twinkies: Hey Big Pooh and Hey Shepin, I can't believe 3 years ago I was begging to see you and here I am today doing the same thing. I love you and Happy Birthday.

This is what goes through my head

1. I am going to husband's work for lunch tomorrow. Seems I was able to take a bunch of Engineer's money in the football pool. Let's just say, I have skills in ways people just don't know about! I am taking a fruit pizza to make all the men feel better about giving a woman their money.
2. Every morning taking son to school I pass a house that put up their own street sign that says something like Frank and Debbie Ln. How much do those people love each other? Who bought the sign? Was it a present?
3.Is it bad I can buy five hundred people Christmas gifts but I can't think of one thing to buy my sweet husband? I could have easily bought him something by now but he put a money limit on it.
4. The photographer (like a zap guy)from the Jingle Bell Run emailed pictures of me from the race. I will not be sharing. I think I run like Phoebe off of Friends.
5. Why do people put Christmas decorations on their cars?
6. What will I do with my husband being off for so many days at Christmas? I think we must go to the beach for a change of scenery. At least for New Years.
7. For Erica:
Yes we still love Macee. Son thought she was cold and put one of his USA t shirts on her. This is her sneaking (all 100lbs.) on the couch to look at her friends on face book.
8. Husband still is Scrooge. I think it is funny that I plug in all the Christmas lights and go to bed first. Then he has to unplug. He is way to OCD to leave them on and prove a point.
9. I love getting the mail at Christmas time and checking out everyone's cards.
10. Went to see Santa. Their was a family in line ahead of us. Kids in braces. 13 plus. Momma fixing their hair. Son in sweater vest. Please tell me when it is time not to take the kids anymore. I felt bad when Santa moaned as the boy sat in his lap.
11. McAllister's at a mall is nasty and takes to long.
12. I can't wait until Christmas morning. I am so thankful God let me be a mother and experience all I will experience with them.

That's all I got.....

Flashes of our life..

I have so many ideas for blogs lately but no time to write them. So here are some flashes from our so called life. Son is always a source of amusement. He now will try to get out of trouble by brushing his own hair in the morning. He thinks he looks so good. His new thing is to put on daddy's deodorant and smell like a man. I am sure it is a little much for the ladies of kindergarten but he thinks he is so cool. I even cried one day this week when I dropped him off at school because he did the "fast walk, I am so cool walk" into school. Wow, how did he get so big?
Gingerbread houses bother me. This year son had to make one out of cardboard for school so daughter wanted one just like his. Son decorated his at school and when daughter saw his invention she had to do hers that day too. I changed their clothes, gave them icing and candy and then went in the attic to wrap Christmas presents. I don't have to tell you that the kids could not sit still that night. The amount of sugar they ingested could have killed a normal individual. I am sure all you perfect mothers would have sat there, endured the mess, limited the sugar intake but me . . . I just let them have fun and got out of the way.
This year LELAND is our new Elf friend. This was the morning he came. He is great fun and so much fun for son. Daughter has told son on several occasions he is just a stuffed animal and she told him if he wanted a stuffed animal she has a whole basket of them in her room. You can tell in the picture she is not that impressed.
Being room mom... word to the wise. No heels at Christmas Parties. My feet feel bruised. But I am thankful that son was so sweet to me at his party. I heard him telling his friends, "My mom is the best reindeer ornament maker in the whole world." I could have melted right there. Daughter would never say something nice about me.

My only complaint at the party was the dad that checked out his older two kids to come to the "party!" I had a 10 year old eating all the food for the little kids and making the crafts. It got on my nerves. Husband had the day off to help with pick up of daughter and I was glad I was not trying to entertain her at the party. Her party and "Performance" is tomorrow. Will update soon.